Monday, December 6, 2010

end of weekend anxiety

People who have known me for a long time often remark how much motherhood has done to "chill me out." And they are right, a long list of anxieties shortened about the moment I learned I was pregnant. That said I become horribly anxious on Sunday nights.

My end of weekend nerves take root in a lot of different emotions. There's sadness that I have to leave my boys in the morning. There's the pressure to be successful. There's the responsibility to care for my family. There's the uncertainty about what lies ahead. But, as silly as this sound, what causes me the greatest amount of anxiety on Sunday night is the fear that I may not have enough stamina to make it. I require a lot of rest and as I watch the turtle fight sleep as the hours tick away, I can feel the weight of the day ahead on my shoulders. And I begin to wonder how I will find the energy to be "on" for my students and colleagues. How I will find the strength to be patient, creative and flexible. How I will remain alert enough to pay attention to the details and avoid errors. And then I resent that if I have to dig into my reserves to find the stamina for work I may not have a lot left by the time I get home.

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